


Life is Cinema: Selfish

by Kuro_iplrrr



Category: Hip Hop RPF, Macklemore (Musician)
Genre: Drug Use, Other, angry!Ryan, hurt!Ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-17 19:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1399654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuro_iplrrr/pseuds/Kuro_iplrrr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan's been in a bad mood, an insufferable mood that Ben has been trying to calm him down. But when Ryan takes a step over the line, Ben isn't sure if he knows where the breaking point is anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life is Cinema: Selfish

_Life is Cinema_ _: Selfish_  (BenHxRyanL)

Word Count: 3.1K

\---

Ryan's been in a bad mood, an insufferable mood that Ben has been trying to calm him down. But when Ryan takes a step over the line, Ben isn't sure if he knows where the breaking 'point is anymore.

Warnings for: Drug use, hurt!Ben, angry!Ryan, and violence. (( Also for platonic UST. No slash)

\---

When Ryan Lewis woke up at the early hours of the morning, he was only able to make out the alarm clock beside him blaring out a tune and showcasing the numbers 6:30. He suddenly pulled himself into a frown, angry at something he couldn't pinpoint to. At an instant, he growled lowly, scowling at the sunlight glazing outside the window.  _How did I get so angry?_  Ryan asked himself and pushed the covers off, not even bothering to make it behind him. He was -thankfully- alone in the room, no one was beside him, so it was easier to let the steam flow from his ears.

He got into the shower, suddenly remembering that he was supposed to meet Ben at the studio at 7AM sharp. He groaned at the thought, still tired from- something that he probably did, yet couldn't remember. He stepped into the shower, vigorously scrubbing on whatever body part he was able to reach. Mind wandering to the ends of the unknown, he was able to finally get out of the shower and close the door behind him. Even after all the time that had passed, Ryan still wasn't able to understand why he was acting like a woman on her period. It was a bit of trouble to actually get into some clothes, grumbling on and on about how his shirt wouldn't go through his fat ass head.

Ryan hastily did his hair, applying a bit of gel to make it stay in its place. He glanced quickly at his clock, now seeing that it was nearly 7. He pushed all his stuff into a backpack and rushed out of the door, hopping into his car. The studio was a 5 minute drive away, so he knew that he was going to get there just as the clock struck 'o seven.

===

Ben Haggerty wasn't having that much of a good day either, but after seeing his friend's face, he knew that his situation was nothing compared to Ryan's. Ben knew that it would obviously be a bad day, since they were both in the studio and sometimes the stress and all the pressure would cause either of them to snap and start yelling. He didn't want today to be one of those days. He just wanted a smooth, fast day in the studio; wherein he and Ryan would just be talking calmly over mistakes the other would commit and they would just have a small conversation about the problem, and bam, problem resolved!

Yet, his mind kept chattering at him that Ryan was in a bad mood, and that it really won't be a good day to actually be talking about something as irrelevant in the lines of 'man, are you okay?' Yeah, Ben decided to go with Mission: Do Not Piss off Ryan Lewis, or  _DNPORL_  for short.

When Ryan somewhat barked at him to come over to him, Ben's temper hit another bar higher. He was screaming on the inside, wanting to know just what the fuck Ryan's problem was and to know just why the hell he was acting like a complete asshole. Yet he didn't do anything about it, he just decided to move over to Ryan and listen to what he had to say.

"Ben, 'you got some lyrics out?" Ryan asked- his voice completely void of any emotion.

Ben sighed in his head, silently happy that Ryan didn't unleash a shitstorm at him; and his temper cooled down. Back in the real life, Ben nodded, not daring to say a word, determined not to piss his partner off. Ryan nodded back, and Ben took that as a gesture to go over and grab some of the scraps of paper he had been writing on. He didn't even understand his own writing, the meaning of the song wasn't even that clear. Ben felt like the process of writing that song was basically just to jut down whatever came to mind.

Ryan was nodding at the words, examining them carefully, bit by bit. Every time one of Ryan's eyebrows raised or lowered, Ben would feel that small shake of his hands. He looked around the studio and scratched at the back of his head. When he heard the scratch of a pen against paper, he jumped, the silence really affecting him more than he expected.

Ryan looked up at him, opening his mouth to say something. Ben braced himself for the array of words coming at him.

"What is this?" Ryan pointed to a line encircled with red ink.

"Uh..." Ben struggled for words, unable to actually make a coherent sentence.

Ryan sighed, dropping the paper down to the table. "Ben, I want you to rewrite this line."

The voice that Ben was so used to hearing was oddly cold, once again not bearing any signs of any emotion at all. Ben took the paper away from him and walked over to one of the sofas, brainstorming ideas from the top of his head. He could feel Ryan's cold eyes fixed upon him, but he ignored it and continued scribbling into the sheet. Nothing was coming to him, it was like his brain decided to just not continue on with the song. Ben groaned lowly and rubbed at his temples, as if rubbing the core to his brain would juice out the words he wanted to write.

When he sighed, Ryan sent him *'the' glare*, a look that said, 'Well? Keep writing.'

Ben finally got the idea, his hands moving roughly with the pen, scribbling down words his brain was telling him to write. He looked up slightly to see Ryan's expression, and he was a bit hesitant to feel the pride washing over him as he saw a small smile coming from Ryan's face.

But when he heard Ryan come up behind him, a sweat fell down from his forehead to his neck. His hands started shaking once again. But this time, Ryan was there to see it.

"Ben."

Ben could swear that he felt his heart quicken. He looked up at Ryan.

"What the hell is that?" Ryan pointed towards what Ben just wrote.

Ben looked at his paper, and a gasp escaped his lips. He found himself looking towards his paper and just saw random words scribbled along the lines.

"GOD DAMMIT, HAGGERTY!" Ryan yelled, slamming a hand down to the table, causing a slapping sound to echo around the room. "DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING IS SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!"

Ben cringed at the volume of his friend's voice. He let out a sound that was probably like, "Stop, Ryan."

"YOU'VE GOT TO STOP FUCKING AROUND HAGGERTY." Ryan raised his voice even louder, if that was even possible.

Ben felt as though his brain was about to burst. He was scared off his mind; Ryan was never like this. Sure, they got into fights, but it really wasn't ever anything like this.

Ben stood up, raising his voice a little louder. "Ryan, please... I'm sure we can just sort these things out... But only if we work together... Okay?"

Ryan's temper seemed to flare even more at the words. "No! No! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF DEALING WITH ALL THE SHIT I'VE COME ACROSS. AND THAT INCLUDES YOU."

Ben's eyes widened at the words. A faint, distant memory of his addiction sparked through his brain. His mind short circuited at the memory of all the alcohol he had ever drunk. It suddenly felt as though it was only the only possible thing to do at this particular moment. His legs seemed to have failed him, and he stumbled back. Ryan's eyes had never left him and he was still panting harshly.

Ben looked into Ryan's eyes, looking for a glint of mischievousness in them, looking for at least one small sign that he was just joking around. Much to his dismay, he found none.

He stood up again. He looked at Ryan one last time before running out of the studio, car keys in hand.

===

Ryan was still shell-shocked by the time he had realized that he was alone. He was replaying the entire scene that had just unfolded in front of him. His brain immediately flipped to his last words.

_"I've had enough of dealing with all the shit I've come across. And that includes you!"_

He shuddered at the echoing volume of his voice. He felt was though something just took over him and led him to shout at his best friend.  He winced as he remembered the look of horror and terror in Ben's eyes.

Ben...

"Holy fucking shit," The sudden wave of panic hit him. Ryan looked around the room, scanning all the corners for Ben. "Oh my God, where the fuck did you go?"

Ryan looked towards the desk located to his right. He saw Ben's backpack perched on it, but it was zipped open. Ryan took a closer look and found that Ben's car keys weren't in its usual position inside of the bag.

_I hope he isn't going where I think he is,_  Ryan thought as he raced out of the studio.

 ===

Ben drove as fast as he could. He couldn't get anything out of his head. His memories were going at him like wildfire. Even as he started to say, "Stop, stop, stop, stop," they really wouldn't leave him. His mind was pulsing heavily.

Though, a side of him was pushing at him to do it; to go to the nearest store and grab an entire bottle of Jack, a bottle of cough syrup, and some sleeping pills.

Ben forcefully pushed the thoughts away from his head. He couldn't do it. Yet, he knew that he  _could_. He groaned.

He was nearly home. Four or more turns and he could go and lash out at everything. Stepping on the gas, he turned left right as the traffic light turned green. He thought about what he could do as he got home.

_Hmmm... I can just go to bed. Sleep it off... right_? Ben thought, arriving at the parking lot of his apartment building. It seemed like the rational thing to do.

_Man, so you remember that bottle of pills you've got at the back of your medicine cabinet? You haven't touched that shit in years..._  The dark side of his mind whispered to him.

Ben was able to enter the building. He pulled at his hair with a frustrated sigh. "Please shut up," he said to the dark voice inside of him. He pushed the button for the elevator and he started to wait, mind filling with numerous ideas and thoughts. The elevator pinged open and he stepped inside. He pressed the number 6 on the panel at his right and he felt the elevator push itself upwards.

He didn't even notice that he was nearly sobbing until the elevator reached his floor. Ben tugged harshly at his hair, frustrated, angry, sad, confused, and tempted. He jogged his way to his apartment, pulling the keys out from his back pocket. He was able to pick his key from the familiar muscle movement, not even taking one glance at his working hands; he inserted the key and ran into his flat, locking the door on his way to his bathroom.

===

Ryan hopped into his car in record speed, his mind still running itself in panic.

Ben was doing so well. Not even one thought had passed him for the past nine months that they have been working. But now, all Ryan could feel was a deep bugging sense of guilt rushing though him, knowing that it may be his fault if Ben would relapse once again.

He drove to Ben's apartment, fully aware that it was more or less the most convenient place Ben would choose to go to at a time like this. He knew all about the stash of pills Ben hid in his medicine cabinet. He knew all about those times he tried. He knew more than anyone.

As he drove, a song came up on the radio. He couldn't exactly hear the lyrics, but the beat was eerily familiar. He got a hand to turn up the volume and that was when he heard the familiar tune of  _Life is Cinema_ :

_Selfish, selfish, selfish me, yeah, me, yeah_

_Girlfriend, break-up, new one, one-night stand, cheat, cheat, repeat that_

_Drug use, clean up, drug use, drug use, clean up, drug use, rehab_

_Fuck you, I suck dude, self-loathing, self-esteem, ego, then me again_

Ryan gave out a sad huff and changed the station, too busy in his own mind to pay attention to anything. And as soon as he realized, he had already arrived at the parking lot of Ben's apartment building. He parked his car right in front of Ben's. The engine silencing down slowly, he ran out of the car, rushing towards the entrance door.

He got inside the lobby, scanning the area, having at least one spark of hope that Ben hadn't gone to his own apartment already. Much to Ryan's dismay, he found no signs of Ben anywhere. He walked briskly to the elevator, his mind going on wildfire as he thought about how Ben was keeping up. He pressed the button and the elevator doors opened up without delay. Once he got inside, he pushed the number to Ben's floor and waited. An agonizing, terrifying 2 minutes it was. He got out, nearly running his way towards Ben's apartment. He got to the door and knocked.

He knocked once; then twice; repeated; and then finally knocked thrice before all his patience ran out. He slammed his shoulder at the door, his panic getting the most of him. The door didn't move at all. Nothing seemed to happen.

He started contemplating on what he could do. He looked back at the door, thinking as to what may or may not have happened to Ben just a few seconds ago.

His back rested against the door and he slid down to the floor slowly. He put his hands over his face, his mind screaming.

===

Ben was standing in front of the mirror, his eyes hazy. He opened up his medicine cabinet and reached for a bottle of pills that was placed there nearly a year ago. He could hear the frenzied knocks at the door, but that plainly pushed him to continue on.

Before he came in here, he left for the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of alcohol out of one of the lower cabinets. He now held the bottle in his hand. Alcohol in one, the temptation of bitter sweetness chewing at his brain; the bottle of pills in the other, a feeling of high rushed through him, yearning to feel it forever.

He popped the bottle of pills open. He twisted the cap of liquor with one hand and placed it down onto the sink, balancing it as for it not to spill down the drain. He plopped the drug into his palm, counting them all mentally.

_One. Two. Three. Four._

Four wasn't a bad number.

Ben lowered the bottle and grabbed the liquor. He looked at himself in the mirror before opening his mouth wide open. He raised his hand higher, almost reaching to his mouth. He closed his eyes and-

"Ben!"

The horrified voice came from the doorway. He felt tears tickle at his eyes. He opened his eyes and saw Ryan through the mirror. He was standing in the doorway, his eyes wide with terror. He was panting harshly, as though he ran a million miles to get to Ben's apartment.

"Oh, Ben..." Ryan said, eyes softening. Ryan could feel tears coming at him. He wasn't too late. It was the thought that made him relieved to the bone.

Ben met his eyes through the mirror. A tear came down his face as he saw Ryan, a mix of sadness, happiness, and hope crossed his eyes.

He dropped the pills. All four of them landing on the floor with an eerie echo. The bottle of alcohol left his hand and it landed on the sink, nearly breaking into a million pieces. The drain swallowed the drink greedily, the flush of the liquor resonating around the room.

Ben walked backwards until his back met the wall. He sank down until he was sitting on floor, shaking and sobbing. Ryan ran up to him, knees sinking to the floor. He put a hand on Ben's shoulder; and Ben looked up at him with defenseless eyes.

"No one gets through these things better than you," whispered Ryan. "You're not alone, there's someone."

===

_(Epilogue)_

Ryan parked his car at the parking lot, a few minutes of walk away from the entrance of the airport. Ben was arriving from California today. They were both going to be working at the studio for the entire day; an entire recording session ahead of them. Ryan walked to the arrivals gate with a snapback perched on his head. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he opened it up to see Ben's name on the screen.

Ben: Ryan bro, im at the airport

Ryan sent him a text back saying that he would be there, and for him to wait right outside. His pace quicked as he realized that it was nearly 8 o' clock.

Once he got to the gate, he found Ben leaning against the glass window of the airport, fingers tapping against the screen on his phone. When he saw Ryan approaching, he looked up, his face lightening.

"Hey man," Ben spread his arms open.

Ryan returned the motion by engulfing him in a back-patting hug. "Nice to see you too,"

Ryan offered to carry one of Ben's backpacks and Ben agreed without hesitance.

"Sorry 'bout that man, but it was a damn long flight." Ben rubbed at the back of his head.

"No problem." Ryan answered, leading them to his car.

Ben rode shotgun while Ryan hopped into the drivers' seat. When Ryan started the car, Ben laughed suddenly. Ryan looked at him.

"What is so funny?" Ryan asked, eyes crossing in confusion.

Ben chuckled once more before saying;

"You're not grumpy, right? Because we both know how that turned out before..."

Ryan hit him in the shoulder and Ben laughed. They both rode to the studio, anticipating the day ahead of them.

_((The End of Life is Cinema))_

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is my first ever Macklemore & Ryan Lewis fanfiction and I think I did this well? I honestly don't know, oh well- Hope you enjoyed reading!
> 
> Hey, hey, hey, you- did you like it? 'Ay, listen man, do you think that I can write a sequel to this? I don't know, but I kind of want to.


End file.
